Fatherhood

The Illinois Council on Responsible Fatherhood held its Symposium on Responsible Fatherhood & Policy this past weekend:

‘…the council supports local fatherhood groups and assists fathers in finding resources for employment, health issues, literacy and building family relationships.

“We’re trying to have meetings so every region in the state results in creating a network,” Jeffery Leving, attorney and chairman of the council said. “We’re hoping that some people will meet regularly and communicate with us so we can effectuate change in Central Illinois.”‘

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The Daily Illini

What caught my eye was Leving’s mention of speaking with a prisoner who felt it was better for his daughter if he stayed out of her life. I’m sure part of the problem were the man’s feelings of guilt and shame. Yet there’s something more sinister underlying this father’s assumption that his influence was not only of little value, but actually harmful.

We’re quick to condemn fathers. Some of them deserve it, those without regret and remorse for the pain they’ve caused. But some simply make mistakes, as do we all. This father is an example that the distinction has become moot.

Grace is an important part of fatherhood.

In the spirit of National Cliché Day (?), I present this tribute to all fathers:

‘Ask your mother.’

‘I don’t care who did it!’

‘Were you born in a barn?’

‘Careful, that’s hot.’

‘Well, I’m not Jimmy’s father!’

‘Money doesn’t grow on trees!’

‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’

‘As long as you live in our house, you’ll live by our rules.’

‘Don’t tell your mother.’

(Thanks, Shannon!)

In California, it was called ‘freaking’. I think.

My wife was a high school Spanish teacher, and I was dutifully playing the role of Teacher’s Spouse by being a chaperon for the spring dance. The gym was dark, dank, and hot. I hadn’t been to a dance since my senior prom.

The kids didn’t dance; they had sex. They ground their hips together, and rubbed against each other. Sometimes a girl would be caught between two boys. Occasionally several students would coalesce into a line of writhing, undulating, groping bodies.

Somehow ‘leave room for Jesus’ didn’t seem adequate. I wasn’t a prude, but I was disgusted. These were kids!

A high school in Concord, New Hampshire has canceled all school dances until students clean up their act:

‘A furor over what Concord High School administrators call an “overtly sexual” style of dancing at school dances has split the school community: There are those who defend the students’ right to dance however they want and those who believe the moves are just plain inappropriate.

Principal Gene Connolly is with the latter group. He said the school will cancel all remaining dances, including the upcoming homecoming dance, unless students step forward to help halt the “grinding.”

…But some students and parents don’t see it that way. They say that like the jitterbug and disco before it, grinding is just a sign of the times.’

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Concord Monitor

Yay, relativism! Laissez-faire doesn’t work as an economic policy, and it doesn’t work in parenting. I was in high school. I remember living in the throes of burgeoning hormones. There were a lot of things I wanted to do, that I thought were fun. And, morality and self-respect aside, they were fun. It’s not as though I don’t understand the students’ position.

‘Addressing the [Parent-Teacher-Student Organization] and Connolly on Tuesday night, [Senior Caitlind Cooper] objected to the way the situation was handled.

“We go to a dance to have fun, and you telling us how to dance is not fun,” Cooper said.’

As parents, it’s not our job to teach our kids what’s fun, and what’s not. It is our job to teach respect and responsibility and temperance. Discernment must be learned.

I’ve always wanted to have a ballroom dance at high school. My school offered a ballroom class during gym, and I remember everyone having a great time. Ballroom dancing takes skill, but it also requires restraint and—above all—respect.

(Thanks, Jason!)

Bowden McElroy, marriage counselor and fellow blogfather, recently spoke about emotional affairs on Growthtrac.

When I became a father, I didn’t stop being a husband. For my wife and I to be effective parents, it’s vitally important that we maintain a healthy marriage. That task becomes much more difficult with children. Parenting is consuming, and it’s easy to neglect the marriage in favor of the child.

I’m a child of divorce and extra-marital affairs, and I’m certainly not alone. Affairs have become so commonplace that infidelity seems to be expected and even tolerated. How else could Friends have survived? Knowing my background, infidelity has always been a fear of mine. Which, apparently, is a good thing:

‘If the question is, is anybody free from being at risk? The answer is no. We’re all at risk. We all have ups-and-downs and in marriage we hope that commitment stays. But sometimes passion comes-and-goes. I think anybody’s at risk if they don’t watch their boundaries. To set yourself up and say it could absolutely never happen to me, is a little arrogant. I think we’re all capable of sin.’

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Growthtrac

Fatherhood and marriage are not mutually exclusive.

I don’t need to know what Ian is thinking. As he grows older, I’m sure I’ll rather not know. But I wouldn’t mind a clue, now and then.

This morning he walked into our bedroom, babbling like a brook. He was trying to explain something about him not yelling, and how I would be mad if he didn’t. I think he mentioned robots. Somehow he segued into government planes.

And it’s not as though he walked into our room and then started talking. He entered as if we were in the middle of a heated conversation. Finally he paused, and asked me…something. I can’t even recall what he said. He was speaking English, but I didn’t understand a word.

All I could do was blink.

You know those Family Circus cartoons, with the looping dashed line that follows Jeffy’s path through the house? That could just as easily be Ian’s head.

This year was our first Halloween with a storm door. We lived in California before returning to the Midwest three years ago, and—including college—storm doors just haven’t been a part of my life for a long while.

Remember: never let trick-or-treating kids hold the door while you’re on candy duty. Because kids let go. Quickly.

And storm doors are heavy.

WorldNetDaily has a rather lengthy commentary by Bob Just, about the subversion of fatherhood and authority in America:

‘Any normal culture encourages what is good in society and discourages what is bad. However, right now we’ve got just the opposite—an overtly destructive culture that increasingly loves what is bad and hates what is good (or at least can’t distinguish one from the other). And parental authority, which many cultural elites see as a form of tyranny—based on childhood experience no doubt—is high on its hit list. You could call it an agenda, but again, it’s really more of an attitude.’

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WorldNetDaily

When it comes to parental authority, the exception has become the rule. Let’s face it, we’re not perfect. Parents make mistakes, but too often popular culture depicts discipline as the mistake. Fathers tend to bear the brunt of that misapprehension.

I can understand the need for writers, producers, and marketers to appeal to a child’s sense of indignation and injustice. Really, it stinks being a kid: always needing permission, crossing boundaries you didn’t know were there, not being able to do what you want.

So I understand popular culture’s appeal to an adolescent’s sense of oppression and injustice:

‘…Disney director Dan Schneider, explain[s] his approach:

“What I try to do is create a world where the kids are in charge,” says Schneider. “Real kids are always being told what to do. Parents and teachers run things and kids are subject to their rules and whims.”

Schneider’s use of the word “whim” is revealing. That’s how anti-authority cultural elites see America’s parents; father doesn’t “know best” anymore—he rules by whim. But on television targeted at tweens, directors make sure that kids get “revenge.”‘

If we’re honest with ourselves, parents’ actions can seem arbitrary, even cruel. But I suspect that discipline, for the most part, is considered and deliberate, if not often perfect. It’s certainly true for my son. There is reasoning behind my parenting, and just discipline can’t exist in a vacuum.

To imply otherwise only fools children into mistaking fantasy for reality.