Fatherhood

A great tool for raising well-balanced children is to share the stories of how you became you. No one admires you and soaks up your wisdom more than your kids. Letting them know that you too have fears and have failed at times on your way to being the most important person in their lives will allow them to deal more comfortably with their own fears and failures.

As we make our way through life, it’s the failures that ultimately mold us into who we are. Learning to overcome these adversities, growing from them and dealing with our fears underly the strengths we individually possess.

So, tell your kids how you were afraid to ride a bike at first, or ask a girl out on a date. By doing so, you are proving to your kids that indeed, these things can be done and that they are not alone in their fear and that in the end, they help you become a better person.

Discussion Points:

• Do you share your faults with your children or do you prefer them to see you as Superman?
• Is there any advantage in teaching your children about your failures?

fatherhood, advice

I believe the most important thing any father can do is spend time with their children. Whether rich or poor, time is the one thing we all have, and spending as much of it on your children will pay big dividends.

Many of my friends lack the courage to follow through on their dreams, and the one thing they all have in common is that they are still seeking approval from one or both of their parents, typically the one they admit didn’t spend much time with them as a child.

Your child will gain this approval over time as you spend quality time with them. You’ll also gain their approval later in life when a social life becomes a priority to them and they still like spending time with you.

While most parents understand the importance of spending time with their kids, what few realize is that their children want them to spend all their time with them. Though it may be boring, or downright excruciating at times, nothing will be more rewarding for you or your child.

Discussion Points:

• Is there something more important than spending time with your children?
• Has a lack of time spent with your parents led to any problems as an adult?
• How much time is too little/too much?

I read an article titled “Rational Parents Equal Rational Kids” today and it really clarified a major difference I see between good and bad parents. Not all rational parents are good and not all irrational parents are bad, but I think the majority of each fit into those categories pretty well.

Written by a psychotherapist, the article supported my main premise of parenting: we should be raising adults instead of children. Children raised by irrational parents more than likely turn out to be irrational parents themselves and perpetuate the cycle.

I think we can all agree there is an overabundance of irrationality in the world. I spent the majority of my 20’s being irrational before continual introspection led me out of the dark. Now that I have broken the cycle inherited from my parents, I have the tools to raise my children the way I want to instead of making the excuse of “that’s how I was raised”.

The article goes on to list 9 ways you can become a more rational parent, outlined below:

1. Listen to your kids and evaluate what they are saying

Though it may seem children talk just to hear the sound of their voices, they are really seeking approval for the things they do. By truly listening to your kids, you not only gain the ability to give them sound advice, you also open the door for being a trusted adviser throughout their lives.

2. Think of all the choices that you have in offering advice or direction.

Many parents I know answer their children’s questions with a simple “yes” or “no” and move on. These parents are missing a valuable opportunity to teach your children to think for themselves. Thinking out your advice before giving it usually leads to the best advice and teaches children to think things out when faced with tough choices.

3. Ask them questions, and challenge in a teaching way, why that may or may not be a good idea.

By asking your child questions, you let them know you are really listening and that you care about the outcome of things they are experiencing. Further, playing devil’s advocate provides them with good advice that allows them to choose their own route and further reinforces thinking things through.

4. Offer stories about rational thinking. Give them an example of a bad choice that you made and how you made a better one and life was better for it.

As long as you aren’t preaching, children love to hear stories about your life. And let’s face it, we’ve all got stories of failure and bad choices. Sharing these stories shows your children that you are human, that you’ve been through the same things they are facing and somehow, you managed to live through and grow from them.

5. Remember all mistakes are opportunities to learn for you and your child.

Instead of yelling or being quick to punish your children after a mistake they’ve made, take the opportunity to clearly show the moral of the story and ask how they could have done things differently. Let them talk about it and gain insight into their thought process and worries.

6. Be the thinking you want to see in your child, provided you have insight into yourself to know your thinking is rational.

Thinking things out with your child will eventually lead them to think more rationally for themselves, allowing them to be a leader and not fall into groupthink. Irrational people, especially children, are looking for something to follow, which usually leads to trouble.

7. Work on yourself and your own personal growth daily.

Finding the time to work on ourselves isn’t always easy, but the rewards are tremendous for both you and your children. Growth doesn’t always have to come from mistakes. The surest and quickest path to growth lies in searching our own minds and hearts.

8. When you fall as a parent pick yourself up. Allow for mistakes. That is the key to rational thinking.

No matter how much we soul search, we are still going to make mistakes at times. It’s part of being human. I personally enjoy making mistakes and to a lesser extent, failing, as it teaches me something new about myself and prepares me for the long line of risks I plan on taking throughout my life. Two things I want for my own children is the ability to get up after being knocked down and to be risk takers. Risk takers, despite the failures, are the ones who succeed in life.

9. Enjoy the parenting journey. It ends all too fast.

This is a great piece of advice that many parents ignore. Enjoy the good and the bad, they are both facts of life. I don’t get too personally wrapped up in my children’s failures because ultimately, they don’t affect me. I try to always just enjoy the journey of parenting as it’s one of, if not the most rewarding experiences in life. Saddling yourself with your children’s problems can only take joy out of the experience and teach your children that someone other than themselves will be there to solve them. Relax. Let it go. And enjoy watching them grow up knowing you’ve done your best to help them be good adults.

Discussion Points:

• Do you think rational parents make better parents?
• Do you think irrational parents raise irrational adults?
• Do you think we should raise kids or raise adults?
• Do you agree or disagree with the list?

fatherhood, rational parenting, behavior

It’s that time again. The kids are home from school and “me” time is back to “we” time.

It’s two days into Summer vacation here and I can already tell they have plans for me being the fourth in whatever games they create. I’m not going to get much work done, so I figured I might as well find some things we will all enjoy.

Below are ten fun and affordable things you can do with your kids this week (yes, you’ll get bored of some of these too, and need more next week).

1. Make Sidewalk Chalk

All you need is:

• 1 Cup of Plaster of Paris
• 1 Cup of water
• Powdered Tempera paints
• Toilet paper rolls
• The directions at Kinderinfo.com

It takes a couple of days to harden, but children love the anticipation and drawing on the sidewalks with their own chalk. And hopscotch is easier for us to play than Xbox.

2. Camp in the Backyard

All you need is:

• A tent
• Some blankets
• A flashlight
• Your imagination

I loved going to Yosemite with my dad when I was younger, but the camping trip I remember most was the one my brother and I had in the backyard for over a month. By the end of the Summer, our tent was more like a suite. My kids love to play hide and seek and tell ghost stories until they fall asleep.

3. Plan a Treasure Hunt

All you need is:

• Some scrap paper and a pen
• A good memory
• A few treats for the end

When the kids have friends over, you can set up a neighborhood treasure hunt, but when it’s just the kids and you, it doesn’t take much to set one up around the house. Write clues on the scrap paper and hide them around the house so that one leads to the next.

Make one treasure hunt for each of your children. Make it more exciting by putting the clues where the children will have to talk to each other to understand what the clues mean. If you can remember things each of your children only know themselves,the game turns into a nice sharing experience instead of a competition.

And don’t forget to reward them all equally at the end.

4. Play in the Water

All you need is:

• Some grass
• A hose
• Water
• Your favorite water toys

Depending on how old your kids are, there are many ways to make grass and a hose fun. For the little ones, Kiddie Castle’s are excellent; for the elementary kids, you’ll definitely want to get a Slip N’ Six Pins Slide; for the adolescents, nothing beats Super Soakers.

Of course, dad always gets the best super soaker…the hose. Plan your garden-watering time around this event for maximum multi-taskage.

5. Kid Cutouts

All you need is:

• 2′-4′ sheets of paper from the craft store
• A pen
• Some markers or paint
• Scissors

Write clothing items on scraps of paper and then trace around each of your children on the sheets of paper. Randomly let your kids choose scraps to see what clothes they will be painting on themselves. Add things like “goalie’s mask”, “tutu”, “peg leg” and “fireman’s hat” to see some real fun.

For educational purposes, you can have them draw their major organs, muscles or bones before painting. When the paint is dry, cut out the pictures and hang them up.

6. Go to a Game

All you need is:

• A minor-league or professional baseball team nearby
• Some bag lunches

I grew up in Angel/Dodger territory, but nowadays, I take the kids to San Luis Obispo Blues games. It’s more enjoyable, less crowded and nicely priced. Many times, children under 8 get in free and you can bring your own food if you like.

Best part is watching the youngsters chase down foul balls and participate in the seventh inning stretch races.

7. Go to the Library

All you need is:

• A library card

As an avid book reader, this is easily one of my favorite things to do with my kids. Fortunately for me, my children still enjoy going to the library with me and even checking out a few books.

Libraries usually have some reading events going on during the Summer. Be sure to check with your local library for a schedule of times to coordinate so you can enjoy some time to look for books, as well.

8. Take the Kids to Work

All you need is:

• An understanding boss
• Some bag lunches

Getting to know about the real world is a valuable lesson for all children, and one great way for them to do so is to spend a day with you at work. Knowing where Dad is all day, what he has to do to make money and learning what a job is all about will help build your child’s identity and work ethic.

If you work at home like myself, it might be a good idea to explain that if they want to spend a day with you working, they have to behave as if they were at an actual job and not at home. That’s hard for all work-at-homers to remember sometimes.

9. Picnic in the Park

All you need is:

• A blanket
• A frisbee
• A picnic basket
• Lunch

I don’t know about where you live, but Summer’s in San Luis Obispo are darn near perfection. I make it a point to get out and enjoy the weather and scenery every day, if only for a few minutes.

Once a month or so, it’s time to pack up the picnic basket and go play some Frisbee golf at the park. Once you’ve worked up an appetite, dig in and relax. More than likely, there are plenty of other kids around for your children to play with, so bring a book while you soak up some sun.

10. Make a Lemonade Stand

All you need is:

• A table
• Some chairs
• Some posters
• Markers
• Some water
• Some ice
• Some plastic cups
• Lemons
• Sugar
• Some change

As a lifelong entrepreneur, I’m always encouraging my children to use their heads when they are in need of money. There are a million things kids can do to turn a little profit, and a lemonade stand is one of the best.

In addition to being fun, there are numerous opportunities for teaching lessons, including math, how to make a profit, how to bargain with customers and how to treat customers politely. Despite the high cost of citrus in California this year, we’ve already figured out exactly how many cups need to be sold to break even.

Whether they make it or not, it’s a good idea to give them some reward for their efforts so they learn a hard day’s work is never for naught.

Well there you have it. That should get us through the first week.

Be sure to add some of your favorite Summer activities in the comments.

summer vacation, child activities, things to do with kids

Disciplining children is possibly the hardest part of being a parent. Not only do we feel some level of disappointment in their actions, we also must choose how to punish them in an effort to change that behavior.

One way of reducing bad behavior in our children, and therefore our stress over those behaviors, is to use positive discipline tactics. By disciplining our children positively, we feel better about ourselves and raise our children’s esteem, empowering them to make better decisions on their own.

The following five steps teach positive discipline and encourage your child’s healthy emotional development.

• Equality

When we use authoritarian behaviors to control our children through pain and embarrassment, what we are often left with is a small mirror of ourselves. Children who are blamed, shamed, beaten or threatened will typically use this type of behavior on those they can get away with it on, such as younger siblings. Teaching our children that they must obey or face one of these responses drastically increases the likelihood of temper tantrums and lack of confidence.

Instead, try treating your child like an adult. Though they lack the intelligence and experience of an adult, ultimately they are owed equal rights and should be treated as such. No one wants to feel less than someone else, most of all children. By committing to raising your children as equals, you allow them greater confidence, esteem and decision-making ability, which in turn will lead to more acceptable behavior.

While children naturally rebel against authority early on (”Terrible 2’s”), many parents respond with more control, establishing a cycle of power struggles. By responding to bad behavior in a calm and fair manner, our children learn discipline and self-control rather than aggression and detachment. As a society based on equality, we also set the foundation for productive citizens later in life.

• Respectful Words

Almost as many people like the word “NO” as like feeling less than someone else. In a sense, the two go hand in hand. Even as adults, many of us will not ask for the things we feel we deserve (a raise or a date, for example) in fear of being told no, which leads us to feeling unworthy. Children take rejection even harder, building resistance and feelings of wrongdoing.

As a parent, we are faced with situations of wanting to tell our kids no many times a day, but when we deny or refuse our children, it is taken personally and damages them by reinforcing controlling and negative thoughts. Instead, take some of the guilt away by replacing the word no with not or rephrasing your comment to focus on the behavior and not the child.

It is important to decide what behavior you want stopped and give your child enough information to change. Some good examples are “It’s not okay to go outside without me”, “It’s not okay to hit or yell at others” and “It’s not okay to jump on the furniture”. Finishing your statements with please is another respectful way to let children know it is their behavior you aren’t happy about and not them, such as “Can you finish cleaning your room so we can play a game please?”.

• Choices

One sure way of meeting resistance is to respond to misbehavior with force. Having some say about how they do things lowers a child’s resistance and fosters individuality and self-reliance. No matter what age, making choices sharpens our judgment and builds moral preferences. By offering choices, we also meet our child’s needs for order and participation.

Choices also hone good communication skills and reinforce the democratic rights we enjoy in this country. Force may illicit an acceptable response to our commands, but only serves to belittle our children and decrease feelings of acceptance. Discipline is an integral part of any success and as a means to an end, should increase self-confidence and build self-esteem.

An important thing to remember about decisions is that they should be limited, closed-ended and ask “this or that” instead of “yes or no”. Some good examples are “Woud you like to hold Mommy’s hand or Daddy’s hand when we cross the street?”, “Would you like to watch a movie or play a game after your homework is done?” and “Would you like to help with the dishes or take out the trash?”.

• Consistency

Consistency, regardless of how you discipline your children, is one of the most reinforcing aspects. Inconsistencies in the punishment of children can result in confusion, resentment and the belief you are hypocritical in your actions. When children understand their behavior will lead to consistent responses from their parents, it builds their sense of right and wrong. How can we expect our children to truly learn their lessons when results are varied?

It’s also important to remember to discipline each of your children consistently, further increasing their perception of equality and fitting in their family roles. Children will also learn to be consistent in their own behavior and dealing fairly with others, helping them become better friends and workers. In order to be consistent doling out discipline, each parent must also accept the others’ views and come to an agreeable compromise and follow through on promises of discipline to maintain parental authority.

Consistency also has the side benefit of teaching your children to accept their responsibilities by removing any idea they didn’t know what would happen in any given circumstance. Predictable results also fosters a sense of security. Children should not have to guess how parents will react. If rules are consistent, results of disobeying them will be, too. Lastly, it’s important to remember that consistency pertains to your own behaviors, as well, as children learn your values and beliefs more by example than by verbal instruction.

• Let Them Deal With Consequences

Teaching our children to deal with the consequences of their behavior is an effective and positive method of discipline. All too often, we either rescue our children from their mistakes or back down from promised punishments due to guilt or manipulation. By doing so, we miss opportunities to teach important lessons about life and that we are only responsible for our own actions.

Letting our children off the hook is a disservice, and one they will not likely find later in life when it matters most. Letting our children fail is a powerful lesson that teaches them how to overcome obstacles and not make the same mistakes again. As humans, we are nothing more than the sum of our failures. That goes for learning to walk to raising our own families.

Allowing our children to suffer the consequences also gives us an opportunity to praise them for being responsible and understand there is something to learn from all actions, good or bad, and to ultimately let them choose which is right for them. For example, if your child’s homework is not done before bedtime, allowing them to suffer the bad grade instead of giving them more time or helping them finish will teach them that they are responsible for their actions, you trust them enough to make a choice and help them decide how to act in a similar future situation.

By subscribing to these methods of positive discipline, we not only feel better about ourselves, we empower our children to be better, more productive citizens. They learn behavior such as helping, sharing and giving from us, but they also learn detachment, guilt, low-esteem and other negative behavior by the way we discipline them.

Instead of looking for reasons to punish our children, we need to spend more time catching them doing the right thing, praising them, rewarding them for improved behaviors and disciplining them with the respect and love they deserve. Ultimately, our children only want to feel as though they belong. Reinforcing the idea that they belong even when they make mistakes will not only make them better behaved children, it will also make them better human beings for the duration of their lives.

Discussion Points:

• Do you agree or disagree with these steps?
• Do you think positive discipline is too easy or perhaps reinforces bad behavior?
• Do you think we learn discipline from our parents?
• Do you discipline your children the same way you were disciplined?
• Do you have any suggestions you’d like to add to the list?

parenting, positive discipline, positive punishment, child behavior

Happy Father’s Day to all you dads out there and thank you very much for being a part of All About Fatherhood.

Changes are in the works and I look forward to getting to work in earnest on Monday, but for today, I’m going to relax, eat, play with my kids, relax a little more and play even more.

If anyone has some great Father’s Day traditions, games or ideas they’d like to share with other readers, please send them to me and I’ll publish them and give credit where it’s due.  I might be too new to get any responses, but I’m definitely looking forward to those I may get.

Have a great day and I’ll see you all tomorrow!

Many believe being a parent is the hardest job on earth. I disagree. Being a parent is as hard or easy as you make it. In all honesty, parenting is little more than being the best person you can be and setting a good example for your children.

We may have more vested in parenting than our other jobs, but when we let life unfold without trying to control every aspect, it becomes a blissful, rewarding experience all the way around.

Don’t get me wrong, people disagree with my parenting style all the time, but when they see how happy my children are and how happy I am when they are around, they have little to argue with. I take these disagreements with a grain of salt because I want to continue improving my parental abilities, but I tend not to change my style much over time.

For now, I’m content with happy kids and hopefully in my time here, I can help you do the same.

For previous readers of this blog, I’d like to welcome you to the new fatherhood and thank Mark for creating a nice community with excellent posts and resources. I hope to maintain the quality of his work and maybe even find a way to get even more readers involved.

Thanks for having me, talk to you soon.

Some great links for sites with fathers day ideas…

• Cards, crafts, printables and recipes at DTLK Holidays.
• Some really great cards with visual examples at Danielles Space.
• Some cool fathers day origami at Activity Village.
• Soap on a Rope recipe at Suite 101.

Have fun doing these little projects, and remember that its the thought that counts.

fathers day crafts, soap on a rope, origami, fatherhood

These gifts would be great for Dads;

Flytech 4031 Radio Control DragonFly - Great Toy, can be used inside and out, really cool.

USB Turntable - Finally, an easy way to copy that vinyl on to your PC. Where’s my Mirrorball??!!

Action Camera - Capture a crash or jump from the riders seat. Great for those base jumpers among you…

Sharp Shootin’ Remote Control - I really like this. Fashioned to resemble a cowboy’s six-shooter this rootin’ tootin’ remote is ideal for all you sofa sheriffs who have a love/hate relationship with the magic rectangle. Simply point it at the telly and pull the trigger. Then before you can say ‘This town ain’t big enough for the both of us’ the channel changes up or down, depending on how you’ve set-up the pistol’s sensor.

tv gun, turntable, usb, dragonfly, fathers day

Fathers day is coming up on June 17th, and we in Europe share this day with you. I will be posting a series about gifts to give a Dad over the next few days. I thought a few days heads up would be good.

I’ll look at some of the new gadgets around. I’ll follow with cool stuff (and funny stuff). Lastly we’ll look at home made stuff you can make with your kids.

A bit of a nutter, but so passionate about his work and his kids. Steve Irwin RIP.

steve irwin, fatherhood, crikey