Fatherhood

I apologize for my absence of late, but life has taken a few turns lately.  One of the best fathers I have ever known, my Uncle Danny, passed away a few weeks back.  I took the trip home to support my mother and attend the funeral, but also received a bit of a surprise.  My cousin Kyle, Uncle Danny’s only son, was going to be getting married, which happened this past weekend.  So once again, I took the trip back home to attend the wedding and spend time with my mother.

The wedding was very nice, but there was an air of sadness that I’m quite sure everyone in attendance could feel.  Uncle Danny’s absence was obviously on everyone’s mind, and several relatives broke down crying at certain times.  I couldn’t help but try to put these two situations into context.  On one hand, my family had lost a great man, father and husband.  On the other hand, my family had gained a new member and congratulated another on taking a big step towards becoming the type of man his father was.  It’s the cycle of life, and good or bad, we got to experience a full circle in a few very short weeks.

At the funeral, so many people stood up and vocally expressed their admiration for my uncle.  It struck me at the time that this is simply the highest honor once we pass.  To live on in the minds and hearts of those who loved us and to send people home in a better mood from our funeral than before they arrived.  At the wedding, many people toasted the groom and expressed confidence in knowing he would be as great a father as his own.

If we are lucky, this is how life goes, round and round, passing on our good traits to our kin and sending them out into the world so they can have the opportunity to do the same.  One day I will be doing the same with my children, and the time until then is ultimately just preparing them to do so.  Hopefully, I can do as well as my Uncle Danny.

R.I.P. Danny, you’ll always be remembered. 

The race for children social network dominance has a new challenger in the form of an old face: Barbie Girls. I try to stay up to date on this space and I have actually seen my oldest daughter spend a session or two on this site, but it’s now being reported that in its first 60 days of existence, Barbie Girls has signed up over three million members!

While it’s not entirely surprising to see Barbie jump out to such large numbers, the fact is that it is growing quicker than any of its predecessors and supports the theory that social networks are here to stay.  At least for now.

As parents, we need to accept this and come up with our own guidelines as to how we handle our children’s online usage.  Without these networks, it was easy to tell our kids there was nothing online for them.  Now, with many of their friends spending their time online, it’s increasingly difficult to make that point sincerely.  My daughter often spends time playing games on Club Penguin with a group of friends from class.

These networks will continue to grow and command more and more of our children’s time and attention.  Realistically, they can be looked at as training wheels for a lifetime of social networking.  Our parents played with Barbie dolls and my generation played video games, but our children are now in the midst of a virtual playground, one that will likely seep later into their lives than our we or our parents experienced.

Some more mega-popular social networks for kids include Habbo Hotel, Zwinky and Gaia Online.  With so many options and so many of their friends already online, it’s only a matter of time before your child expresses interest in joining one of these networks.

• Discussion Points:
  • Will you let your child join a social network for kids or have you already?
  • What are the good and bad side effects, if any, that you have noticed?
  • Do you think social networks are here to stay or just a passing fad?

Social networks seem to have invaded just about every demographic.  One of the fastest growing segments of the social networking phenomenon is social networks aimed at children.

While the perils for children on larger social networks like Myspace are well documented, what isn’t entirely understood yet are the affects of kiddie-networks on our children.  Like all things in life, there are pros and cons.  Let’s take a look at some of the advantages and disadvantages of children using sites like Club Penguin, Webkinz, Nicktropolis and Millsberry.

Advantages

Safety Filters - Children are restricted in the language they can use on these sites.  Users are not allowed to type addresses, phone numbers or oftentimes, personal questions.   It would be extremely difficult, if not impossible, for predators to find out anything of importance from your child on one of these networks.

Computer Skills - While the sites are created for children, they still require the use of a computer.  Learning how to use a computer is an increasingly important skill in today’s world.  The earlier your child learns computer skills, the more fluid they will become in using them.

Promote Reading - Throughout these networks, children venture from room to room reading directions and taking part in surveys, quizzes and games.  By doing so, young children have a place to build their reading skills they really enjoy.

Typing - Most of the games are played with the keyboard and often require children to type their answers.  Interacting with others requires typing, as well, thereby improving your child’s understanding of the keyboard and ability to type.

Communicating - Despite the filters, children are encouraged to interact with each other in a variety of ways.  Those that don’t play nice are often banned or outcast.  Learning to move up in the social networking world requires good communication skills and fairness, good traits for anyone regardless of age.

Caring For Pets - Most of the kiddie-networks revolve around animals or allow yo to have a pet which you must take care of as if they were real.  This includes feeding, bathing and cleaning up after them.

Budgeting  - Many of the games on these networks offer rewards that can be collected and points that can be earned to save up for special items, teaching children how to budget and use virtual money.

Networking -  One of the most important skills for anyone to have in life is networking. It’s often said “it’s not what you know, but who you know”, and children learn that very quickly in kiddie-networks.

Disadvantages

Reduced Social Skills - Spending social time on virtual networks instead of playing with friends in real life can leave adults, as well as children, feeling less social in the real world.  Monitoring the amount of time your child spends on one of these sites is highly suggested.

Open Doors - Interacting with other children who may have less adult supervision can lead to your child finding out about other places on the net to visit.  Browsing around the internet opens door after door, many of which are unsuitable for children.

Internet Addiction - We are all susceptible to this.  Spending time on the internet often leads to spending lots more time on the internet.  Again, monitoring the amount of time your child spend online is very important.

Costs - Many of these new networks require users to pay monthly fees to gain higher access levels.  Like real life, children want to go and be where their friends are.  If their friends have higher access, your child is going to want to follow, which can turn into quite an investment of not only time, but money, as well.

The pros and cons of your child social networking online are endless, but with the above guidelines, you should have a firm grasp on what exactly is going on and how much time your child should be spending on these sites.  Every parent will have different thoughts and approaches as to how to handle this issue and should keep in mind that ultimately they are responsible for what their children see and do online.  I personally allow my two oldest daughters to spend no more than four hours a week online for fun as I’d much rather see them playing together or outside, and don’t think my youngest daughter should be online at all.

In any case, be proactive and participate in your child’s online life much like you would their real life.  As the internet continues to occupy more and more of our time, promoting responsible online usage will become an even more important role for all parents.

For more insight on social networks for children, check out the article “Sites let preteens network online”.

social networks, online usage, kids on the internet

I am told all the time how important the Golden Rule is.  You know, treating others the way we’d like to be treated ourselves. I’ve always had a bit of a problem with that because inherently, we all want to be treated differently.  I used to treat people like I’d want to be treated all the time, but rarely did it make that person happy.  I’m a neat freak, very quiet at times and comfortable spending time alone.  I can remember losing more than one girlfriend in my lifetime for cleaning up after them too much, not talking enough and letting them have time to themselves.  Basically, the Golden Rule bit me in the butt.

A much better approach would be what is called the Platinum Rule.  This rule dictates that we treat others the way they want to be treated.  It’s actually so simple and obvious, it’s ridiculous.  It almost makes me wonder how the Golden Rule came to be.

Having three children, I can attest to the fact that if I treated them all the way I wanted to be treated, there would be trouble.  They are all different and expect different things from me.  Over time, I’ve become very aware of what these things are, and now, I treat them the way they want me to treat them.  One of my girls loves to be held constantly, one of them prefers roughhousing on a daily basis and the other is a bit more like me and appreciates quiet time.  With the Golden Rule, I at best could only have made one of them happy, but having expanded on it and changed my behavior, I have become a much more successful and happy father.

Try it out and let me know what you think.

Discussion Points:

• Gold or platinum,which is better?
• Have you lost or annoyed someone from treating them the way you’d want to be treated?
• In what ways are your children different and how do those differences require your actions to change?

childhood behavior, platinum rule, fatherhood

I love teaching my kids new things. In fact, one of the main reasons I wanted kids was too teach them things. What I didn’t know was how much I would learn from them.

Not only will kids teach you what they want and need, if you listen, they will actually teach you about yourself and things you may have long forgotten. For example, as I stated in this post, children are a mirror of your behavior. You may not realize you are impatient, aggressive or detached, but if your children are, there’s a very high likelihood that you are as well.

Children can teach us even more, though. One thing my children taught me early on was the importance of sharing. I’d long been the type to hide out in my own space with my own stuff, but it wasn’t very fun. Watching children play made me realize how much more fun things are when you share. The whole concept of play is another valuable lesson to learn from children. I used to take life far more seriously than I do now, and I owe much of that to my kids. Maybe the best thing I have learned from my children is the value of curiosity and wonder. I’ve always been one to learn as much as I can, but the amount of things I spend time being curious about has exploded.

While it’s important for us to teach our children good habits and morals, remember there is value in letting them teach you, too. I think when we forget that, it takes half the fun out of parenting and closes an avenue of communication with our children that is very difficult to reopen. Kids are people too, and everyone has something to teach.

Discussion Points:

• What have you learned from your children?
• Do you believe everything we need to know we learned in kindergarten?
• Would you agree or disagree that letting children know they taught you something is an important step in building confidence?

child behavior, fatherhood

As parents, we want to see results.  What we forget is that when there is a problem, it wasn’t created in a day, and solving it won’t take a day either.  In order to teach our children positive behaviors, it takes time and constant reinforcement.

If we are impatient and demanding of our children, we will be met with irritability and resistance.  Much like creating habits in ourselves, like eating better or exercising more, we must be patient and continue building up a habit in order to see the results we desire.  When we don’t get those results quickly, our first reaction is to quit, putting us back at square one.

If there is some behavior we wish to see change or improve in our children, remember that patience and praise are the behaviors we must practice.  Everything else will only get us more of what we don’t want and increase the frustration we felt in the first place.

For more on using patience to change behavior, check out these resolutions for better behavior.

Discussion Points: 

• Have you had success in changing your child’s behavior?
• What other ideas would you suggest for improving a child’s behavior?
• Are you successful at changing your own behavior?  What traits helped you get there?

patience, child behavior, fatherhood

Kids can be rude, but let’s face it. It’s a habit they learn from us. It’s true they pick up a few bad habits on their own at school, but rudeness just isn’t one of them.

If by the time our kids are school age they have learned to say please and thank you and wait patiently while you are on the phone, it’s pretty unlikely they are going to start being rude just because someone else’s kid teaches them in class. Young children are basically mirrors of ourselves. They may have slight personality differences, but they inherently do as they’ve seen. The old “monkey see, monkey do” adage comes to mind.

If on the other hand, our children have not learned politeness at home, not only will they do their best to convert their classmates, they will continue to get worse as most habits do when gone unchecked. This leads me to the kindness factor. If children are mirrors of our own behavior, at least when they are very young, kindness is a habit we can instill in our children before the rest of the world ever has their say.

If you’re children are rude, I’d honestly invite you to take a look at yourself. You may not like what you see, but it’s never too late. I’ve learned that having kids is about the closest we can get to actually seeing ourselves honestly if we accept our role in their behavior. In fact, I have a handy little equation I use to help improve myself. It goes like this:

____ parents = ____ kids

Put whatever word you want in the blanks, as long as it’s the same on both sides. If you are one who blames others before yourself, the solution is to flip the equation around. In the end, there’s really only two people to blame and you are one of them.

Discussion Points:

• Were you a rude child?  Did it lead to being a rude adult?
• Do you think habits are learned more at home or at school?
• Do you believe you can change your child’s behavior by changing your own?

child behavior, fatherhood

Praise and appreciation are vital to a child’s positive growth. We instinctively know this as parents, but aren’t always in the right mind frame to do so.

Instead of waiting for your child to do something wrong and then chastising them for it, catch them doing something good and praise them for it. Children can make dozens of “mistakes” in any given day, and if caught each time, receive an unfair amount of “No’s”, “Stop’s” and “Don’ts”, words that don’t exactly encourage positive change.

Next time your child does something you don’t agree with, tell them “I’d prefer if you didn’t do that” or “Can you please keep your voice down indoors?”. Speaking to your children in this way reduces conflict and encourages a change in behavior.

More importantly, next time your child cleans their room on their own or puts the dishes away, make sure you thank them for the effort and that it really helps when they pitch in around the house. By doing so, you make your child feel good about the actions they performed and encourage more of the same.

Even as adults, we need to feel appreciated and recognized for our good deeds. It’s never too early to treat your kids with the same respect you expect yourself as a grown man. Through continued encouragement, you are actually improving your child’s chances of succeeding in life, a goal that I imagine you are trying to accomplish with the “No’s”, “Stop’s” and “Don’ts”.

Discussion Points:

• Do you think it’s more important to catch your children doing good or telling them to stop doing something you don’t like or agree with?
• Do you think encouragement is a valid form of “discipline” by teaching your children to do good instead of not doing bad?

fatherhood, looking for the good

The 4th of July is a great day. As the main summer holiday, it’s the one day we can expect to spend with our whole family, eat some great food and enjoy some entertainment we can all agree on.

This 4th, take it a step further. Use the day off to get to know your kids a little better. As a starting point, here is a list of 100 questions you can ask your children to get the conversation rolling.

1. Tell me the five best things about you.

2. What does the word “success” mean to you?

3. Why do kids put rings in their eyebrows and nose?

4. If you could tell me never to serve two vegetables again, which two would you choose?

5. Who do you think I’d rather you be: an NBA ballplayer, the mayor, a famous explorer, or a movie star? Why?

6. Which of your friends do you think I like the most? Why?

7. On a scale of one to nine – one being not at all and nine being totally – how strict do you think I am? Where on the scale would you like me to be? (Parents: you can draw this on paper to make it easier for smaller children.)

8. What would be the ideal allowance? Tell me how you would use it.

9. Who was the worst teacher you ever had? Tell me why.

10. What would the ideal teacher be like?

11. If you had to have one of these, which would pick – and why? Really long nose hairs, hair in your ears, hair above your lip, massively hairy armpits!

12. How much privacy would you like? What time of the day would you like to be alone, and why?

13. Which one of our friends is the funniest looking? Why?

14. If you could arrange it, what time would I come home from work? Then, what would we do together?

15. Can you think of any clothes that I should never put on again? Why?

16. Do you think I drink too much? Have I ever embarrassed you that way?

17. Which of the following choices do you think would be best, and why?

• Dinner with everyone at the table and the TV on with your favorite program
• Dinner in which everybody took what they wanted from the fridge and no one had the same thing
• Dinner with the whole family together and no TV on

18. If a genie would give you only one wish, which would you pick, and why?

• being world-class attractive
• being a genius
• being famous for doing something great

19. If you are feeling sad, what meal that I could make or order would be the one that would cheer you up?

20. Are you afraid when we fly?

21. Tell me who you think are the three greatest musicians in the world? Why?

22. What punishment have I given you that you thought was really unfair? Why?

23. If you could change three things about yourself, what would they be?

24. At what age do you think a child ought to be tried as an adult if he has hurt someone very badly? Why?

25. If you could keep your room any way you wanted, how would it look?

26. How much money could you use a week? Why?

27. What kinds of lies do your friends tell their parents?

28. If you had to have a disability, which one of these would you pick, and why?

• blindness
• deafness
• inability to walk

29. What are the qualities that make a good friend?

30. Do you think you should be paid for specific chores? Which ones? And how much do you think each is worth?

31. What was your favorite toy when you were little?

32. What do you say to comfort yourself when something scares you (like when a plan is bumpy, of when you are in a scary place)?

33. What do you think makes a person good-looking?

34. What would you do if you saw a group of guys who looked like a gang walking toward you?

35. If you could decorate our place, what would it look like?

36. What do you think of my driving?

37. Looking at your pictures. When you think you have been the cutest so far?

38. What do you think are the characteristics that make a good parent?

39. Name the three movie stars you most admire.

40. Have you ever imitated something you saw in a movie? What was it?

41. Do you think kids ought to get sex education? If you do, what kinds of things are appropriate? If you don’t, why not?

42. Name a TV or movie star that you think is lame.

43. Do you think it’s important to get physical education in school? Why or why not?

44. Do you think I lose my temper too often? If so, how often?

45. What do you think is the right amount of hugging and kissing that should go on between kids and their mom? How about kids and their dad?

46. What is the most enjoyable thing our family has done together in the last three years?

47. Do you think that kids as young as twelve can fall in love? If not, at what age do you think that happens?

48. What do you think is beyond the stars?

49. What is the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you?

50. Why do you, or don’t you, like violent movies?

51. Name two things we should do as a family on the weekend.

52. How do you think kids are affected by divorce?

53. Do I ever not notice that you are sad? What signs should I look for?

54. What sport (that you haven’t tried) do you think you would be good at? Why?

55. Who is the meanest kid you know? Why?

56. Do you believe in heaven? If not, why? If so, what do you think it’s like?

57. If you were going to have a weird, unusual pet, what would it be? Why would you want that pet?

58. If you could look like anyone, who would it be? Why?

59. Do you think “honesty is always the best policy”? Why or why not?

60. What have you done, in school or sports or anywhere, that you are especially proud of?
61. Do you think girls look better with or without makeup? Why?

62. Do you think it’s bad, okay, or good for guys to cry at movies? Why?

63. Which of your friends are you proudest of? Why?

64. Have you ever had a dream that really scared you? What was it about?

65. Can you describe the most beautiful place you have ever visited?

66. What kinds of things on TV and in movies make you laugh?

67. Tell me about your two favorite movies of all time and why you like them so much.

68. How do you describe me to your friends?

69. Do you feel you are as intelligent as most of your friends? Why or why not?

70. What is the scariest movie you’ve ever seen? Why?

71. Have you ever gotten really lost? If so, tell me about it. How did you feel?

72. How much TV a day do you think a kid should watch?

73. At what age, if any, do you think a kid should be able to watch any program no matter what is in it?

74. Do you think you live in a dangerous neighborhood? Why or why not?

75. Not counting our religion, which religions do you find interesting? Why?

76. Tell me what you think is good, or bad, about rap music.

77. Do you ever feel you could lose your temper so badly that you could hurt someone? If so, what has made you feel like that?

78. What is the grossest thing you can think of?

79. Has an adult ever hit you that you haven’t told me about?

80. Is there anybody in history that you have read about that you would like to be?

81 What do you think is the right age for marriage? Why?

82. Tell me three things you remember about kindergarten.

83. What kids are popular in your grade? What do you think makes a person popular?

84. Has anyone ever tried to sell you drugs? If so, what did you say to that person?

85. If you knew a friend of yours had stolen something, what would you do about it?

86. Do you feel close to any of your grandparents, aunts, or uncles? If so, to whom do you feel closest?

87. What paper have you written that you really felt proud of? Tell me about it.

88. If you could trade lives with somebody you know, who would it be?

89. How do you think you would feel if you thought you were going to be the first person to meet someone from outer space? What would you say or ask?

90. What would you do if you were invisible for a day?

91. What is your very earliest memory as a very little kid?

92. Do you think any of our neighbors are scary?

93. What would you do if you found out one of your teachers was homosexual?

94. Is there anything you pretend you understand, but you really don’t? What is it?

95. Who do you think you are most like in our family? Why?

96. Do you believe men and women are equally smart? Why or why not?

97. Do you ever have a dream that comes back over and over? If so, what is it like?

98. Why do you think some people don’t like animals?

99. What kind of person should be President of the United States?

100. Why are sports so important to kids?

I wish you all a great day and hope you get to spend lots of time with your children today. Try out some of these questions and let me know how it goes.

Summer is heating up and kids are out and about all over town. Below are ten more things you can enjoy with your kids this week.

1. Make a scrapbook of everything you do this summer.

Many of a child’s favorite memories are from the off time between grades. What better way to help them (and you) remember than to create a scrapbook of all the fun things you did together this Summer? Check out this scrapbooking site for great information and ideas on how to create your own memorable scrapbooks with your kids.

2. Learn about fireworks.

Independence Day is a fun holiday for the whole family, but do your children understand the meaning behind this great day, what fireworks represent and how they work? Get the inside scoop here.

3. Bake some cookies together.

Not only do kids love cookies, they really enjoy making them, too. Get some great Independence Day cookie recipes here.

4. Take a historic walk around your town.

Chances are, your town has some great unique history and places of interest. If you’re even luckier, many of those places will be in close proximity to each other, allowing you to spend a few hours walking around and visiting them. Check your local chamber of commerce for more info.

5. Cut up an old greeting card picture and make a puzzle.

Jigsaw puzzles are fun, affordable and easily created at home. One idea is to cut up a newspaper picture. Another is to cut up an old greeting card. Check out how to make your own jigsaw puzzle for more directions.

6. Create a blog or web site.

With the proliferation of site builders and blog platforms, it’s never been easier to create your own web site or personal blog. This is a fun activity for both you and your child, and will help prepare your children for the computer-driven society of the future. Get some great information with this HTML Help for kids.

7. Help an elderly person with house or yard work.

Volunteering and helping others is a staple of American society that often gets overlooked in our busy lifestyles. The benefits of volunteering are numerous, not the least of which is feeling good about oneself. Here are some great volunteer tips and tricks.

8. Visit the zoo.

Children love animals, especially monkeys and large cats. Most cities and towns have a zoo nearby. Find a zoo near you or watch the animals from the comfort of your home.

9. Recycle bottles/can and donate the money to a local charity or take your kids to the $1 store.

Conservation is a hot topic these days and truthfully, we all need to play our part in this movement. Recycling has the added benefit of producing a small amount of cash to spend as you please. Why not take the lesson a step further and teach your kids about donations and charities or take them to a $1 store and teach them about how money works?

10. Build a tree house.

What kid in their right mind doesn’t want a tree house? Tree houses provide hours and hours of imaginative fun and gives kids a place of their own. Check out this tree house guide for some building advice and tips.

Share some of your favorite summer activities in the comments. 

After high school, my parents wanted me to join the military or get a job doing labor because I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to do. I ended up taking some time off to find myself before entering college and figuring out what I wanted to do with my life. The fact I didn’t do what they wanted me to do and their lack of support for what I was doing somehow stayed in my head for a long time, however, and I felt for many years that I had let them down.

I’m not sure if my parents somehow felt threatened that I’d achieve more than them or if they truly believed those were the right paths for my life, but I think if I had their approval, I would have gotten to where I am now much earlier.

With my own children, I support any and all endeavors they choose to take and am their biggest fan, rooting them on from the sidelines. My only dream for my kids is to have them realize their own dreams. We are all here for a reason and I believe each of us can do something better than anyone else can. What that something is, is for each person to figure out on their own by trying as many things in life as possible, committing to the thing you were meant to do and never cease learning as much as you can about it.

Sure it would be nice to have a lawyer or doctor in the family, but with the right encouragement, you may not know what your children will become, but you can bet they will be happy and thankful for the chance to follow their own dreams.

Discussion Points:

• Did your parents encourage you to follow your own dreams or to follow the safe path?
• Did you take their advice? Do you regret doing/not doing so?
• Will you support your child’s dreams, regardless of your approval?

fatherhood, dreams