Fatherhood

Disciplining children is possibly the hardest part of being a parent. Not only do we feel some level of disappointment in their actions, we also must choose how to punish them in an effort to change that behavior.

One way of reducing bad behavior in our children, and therefore our stress over those behaviors, is to use positive discipline tactics. By disciplining our children positively, we feel better about ourselves and raise our children’s esteem, empowering them to make better decisions on their own.

The following five steps teach positive discipline and encourage your child’s healthy emotional development.

• Equality

When we use authoritarian behaviors to control our children through pain and embarrassment, what we are often left with is a small mirror of ourselves. Children who are blamed, shamed, beaten or threatened will typically use this type of behavior on those they can get away with it on, such as younger siblings. Teaching our children that they must obey or face one of these responses drastically increases the likelihood of temper tantrums and lack of confidence.

Instead, try treating your child like an adult. Though they lack the intelligence and experience of an adult, ultimately they are owed equal rights and should be treated as such. No one wants to feel less than someone else, most of all children. By committing to raising your children as equals, you allow them greater confidence, esteem and decision-making ability, which in turn will lead to more acceptable behavior.

While children naturally rebel against authority early on (”Terrible 2’s”), many parents respond with more control, establishing a cycle of power struggles. By responding to bad behavior in a calm and fair manner, our children learn discipline and self-control rather than aggression and detachment. As a society based on equality, we also set the foundation for productive citizens later in life.

• Respectful Words

Almost as many people like the word “NO” as like feeling less than someone else. In a sense, the two go hand in hand. Even as adults, many of us will not ask for the things we feel we deserve (a raise or a date, for example) in fear of being told no, which leads us to feeling unworthy. Children take rejection even harder, building resistance and feelings of wrongdoing.

As a parent, we are faced with situations of wanting to tell our kids no many times a day, but when we deny or refuse our children, it is taken personally and damages them by reinforcing controlling and negative thoughts. Instead, take some of the guilt away by replacing the word no with not or rephrasing your comment to focus on the behavior and not the child.

It is important to decide what behavior you want stopped and give your child enough information to change. Some good examples are “It’s not okay to go outside without me”, “It’s not okay to hit or yell at others” and “It’s not okay to jump on the furniture”. Finishing your statements with please is another respectful way to let children know it is their behavior you aren’t happy about and not them, such as “Can you finish cleaning your room so we can play a game please?”.

• Choices

One sure way of meeting resistance is to respond to misbehavior with force. Having some say about how they do things lowers a child’s resistance and fosters individuality and self-reliance. No matter what age, making choices sharpens our judgment and builds moral preferences. By offering choices, we also meet our child’s needs for order and participation.

Choices also hone good communication skills and reinforce the democratic rights we enjoy in this country. Force may illicit an acceptable response to our commands, but only serves to belittle our children and decrease feelings of acceptance. Discipline is an integral part of any success and as a means to an end, should increase self-confidence and build self-esteem.

An important thing to remember about decisions is that they should be limited, closed-ended and ask “this or that” instead of “yes or no”. Some good examples are “Woud you like to hold Mommy’s hand or Daddy’s hand when we cross the street?”, “Would you like to watch a movie or play a game after your homework is done?” and “Would you like to help with the dishes or take out the trash?”.

• Consistency

Consistency, regardless of how you discipline your children, is one of the most reinforcing aspects. Inconsistencies in the punishment of children can result in confusion, resentment and the belief you are hypocritical in your actions. When children understand their behavior will lead to consistent responses from their parents, it builds their sense of right and wrong. How can we expect our children to truly learn their lessons when results are varied?

It’s also important to remember to discipline each of your children consistently, further increasing their perception of equality and fitting in their family roles. Children will also learn to be consistent in their own behavior and dealing fairly with others, helping them become better friends and workers. In order to be consistent doling out discipline, each parent must also accept the others’ views and come to an agreeable compromise and follow through on promises of discipline to maintain parental authority.

Consistency also has the side benefit of teaching your children to accept their responsibilities by removing any idea they didn’t know what would happen in any given circumstance. Predictable results also fosters a sense of security. Children should not have to guess how parents will react. If rules are consistent, results of disobeying them will be, too. Lastly, it’s important to remember that consistency pertains to your own behaviors, as well, as children learn your values and beliefs more by example than by verbal instruction.

• Let Them Deal With Consequences

Teaching our children to deal with the consequences of their behavior is an effective and positive method of discipline. All too often, we either rescue our children from their mistakes or back down from promised punishments due to guilt or manipulation. By doing so, we miss opportunities to teach important lessons about life and that we are only responsible for our own actions.

Letting our children off the hook is a disservice, and one they will not likely find later in life when it matters most. Letting our children fail is a powerful lesson that teaches them how to overcome obstacles and not make the same mistakes again. As humans, we are nothing more than the sum of our failures. That goes for learning to walk to raising our own families.

Allowing our children to suffer the consequences also gives us an opportunity to praise them for being responsible and understand there is something to learn from all actions, good or bad, and to ultimately let them choose which is right for them. For example, if your child’s homework is not done before bedtime, allowing them to suffer the bad grade instead of giving them more time or helping them finish will teach them that they are responsible for their actions, you trust them enough to make a choice and help them decide how to act in a similar future situation.

By subscribing to these methods of positive discipline, we not only feel better about ourselves, we empower our children to be better, more productive citizens. They learn behavior such as helping, sharing and giving from us, but they also learn detachment, guilt, low-esteem and other negative behavior by the way we discipline them.

Instead of looking for reasons to punish our children, we need to spend more time catching them doing the right thing, praising them, rewarding them for improved behaviors and disciplining them with the respect and love they deserve. Ultimately, our children only want to feel as though they belong. Reinforcing the idea that they belong even when they make mistakes will not only make them better behaved children, it will also make them better human beings for the duration of their lives.

Discussion Points:

• Do you agree or disagree with these steps?
• Do you think positive discipline is too easy or perhaps reinforces bad behavior?
• Do you think we learn discipline from our parents?
• Do you discipline your children the same way you were disciplined?
• Do you have any suggestions you’d like to add to the list?

parenting, positive discipline, positive punishment, child behavior