Fatherhood

Seriously, I’ve had it. Look, I have two kids, ages 3 and 1. I’ve never been a father before, and (here’s a tip to all you childless adults out there) I have no idea what I’m doing. When you leave the hospital, they shove the baby in your hands with a sample pack of diapers, formula, binkies and a cute little hat. They say, “Good luck, you poor bastard. You’re going to need it.� Next thing you know you’re standing on the sidewalk holding the most complicated little device you’ll ever own (with no user’s manual) and the hospital door shuts. No more pediatric nurses at your beck and call, no team of medical professionals working to answer your every question, nothing. It’s you, the baby, your free bag of stuff and that feeling of “I have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to do.�

Now throw a few hundred photographers in your face.

Acquiring a human being of your own whose very survival literally depends on your actions is, as you would imagine, a bit of a stressful time. Every day on the net I see pictures of Britney looking distressed with her kid pressed to her, or Dunst or Reese Witherspoon or any of them. Why do they look stressed? Because they are! It infuriates me. Just leave them the hell alone and let them raise their kids. Now, I know what you’re going to say. “Anyone who chooses a life of celebrity is aware of the fact that they’re giving up a measure of their privacy.â€? That’s bull. If a celebrity wants to publish photos of his/her kid (and I don’t know why any celebrity would), I’m sure s/he would have absolutely no problem identifying a magazine that would be more than happy to publish the spread. Harassing someone who is carrying an infant, shouting at them, shoving cameras in their faces and taking/publishing photos without their permission is crossing the line. Why is Britney’s baby (or Reese’s, or Kirsten’s, etc) your business? It’s not. Back off. Shame on the jerks who take these pictures, and shame on the jerks who purchase the magazines that publish them. I’m speaking as a parent here. Back off.