Fatherhood

One of the more frustrating parts of fatherhood is trying to help potty train my daughter. She has an obstinate streak that would amaze many people.
She vacillates between telling me she is big and then she is a baby. I think she does the latter so I will back off on telling her what to do. It just is not going to happen, I tell her. It was amusing, at first. Now I consistently tell her she is big even when she says she is a baby.
It has come to the point that either my wife or I have to keep her on the potty until she is done. She does number 1 fine. Oh boy does she have issues with number 2. She screams and screams. Despite several attempts, she has not pooped in the potty yet. I take that back. She did once, looked at it and grossed out. I think she could not believe that came from her.
This morning was a similar occurrence. She cried and cried, and nothing.
Her routine is running into her room and closing the door. That is when I know she has to do number 2.
In order for her to learn, I may have to remove her from the room, sit her butt on the potty, and wait it out. Let the tears flow, let the rampage begin!
Other than the potty issue and her stubborn streak, she is a well behaved girl.
Does anyone have any suggestions for alleviating this problem with number 2?
George

I am told all the time how important the Golden Rule is.  You know, treating others the way we’d like to be treated ourselves. I’ve always had a bit of a problem with that because inherently, we all want to be treated differently.  I used to treat people like I’d want to be treated all the time, but rarely did it make that person happy.  I’m a neat freak, very quiet at times and comfortable spending time alone.  I can remember losing more than one girlfriend in my lifetime for cleaning up after them too much, not talking enough and letting them have time to themselves.  Basically, the Golden Rule bit me in the butt.

A much better approach would be what is called the Platinum Rule.  This rule dictates that we treat others the way they want to be treated.  It’s actually so simple and obvious, it’s ridiculous.  It almost makes me wonder how the Golden Rule came to be.

Having three children, I can attest to the fact that if I treated them all the way I wanted to be treated, there would be trouble.  They are all different and expect different things from me.  Over time, I’ve become very aware of what these things are, and now, I treat them the way they want me to treat them.  One of my girls loves to be held constantly, one of them prefers roughhousing on a daily basis and the other is a bit more like me and appreciates quiet time.  With the Golden Rule, I at best could only have made one of them happy, but having expanded on it and changed my behavior, I have become a much more successful and happy father.

Try it out and let me know what you think.

Discussion Points:

• Gold or platinum,which is better?
• Have you lost or annoyed someone from treating them the way you’d want to be treated?
• In what ways are your children different and how do those differences require your actions to change?

childhood behavior, platinum rule, fatherhood

I love teaching my kids new things. In fact, one of the main reasons I wanted kids was too teach them things. What I didn’t know was how much I would learn from them.

Not only will kids teach you what they want and need, if you listen, they will actually teach you about yourself and things you may have long forgotten. For example, as I stated in this post, children are a mirror of your behavior. You may not realize you are impatient, aggressive or detached, but if your children are, there’s a very high likelihood that you are as well.

Children can teach us even more, though. One thing my children taught me early on was the importance of sharing. I’d long been the type to hide out in my own space with my own stuff, but it wasn’t very fun. Watching children play made me realize how much more fun things are when you share. The whole concept of play is another valuable lesson to learn from children. I used to take life far more seriously than I do now, and I owe much of that to my kids. Maybe the best thing I have learned from my children is the value of curiosity and wonder. I’ve always been one to learn as much as I can, but the amount of things I spend time being curious about has exploded.

While it’s important for us to teach our children good habits and morals, remember there is value in letting them teach you, too. I think when we forget that, it takes half the fun out of parenting and closes an avenue of communication with our children that is very difficult to reopen. Kids are people too, and everyone has something to teach.

Discussion Points:

• What have you learned from your children?
• Do you believe everything we need to know we learned in kindergarten?
• Would you agree or disagree that letting children know they taught you something is an important step in building confidence?

child behavior, fatherhood

As parents, we want to see results.  What we forget is that when there is a problem, it wasn’t created in a day, and solving it won’t take a day either.  In order to teach our children positive behaviors, it takes time and constant reinforcement.

If we are impatient and demanding of our children, we will be met with irritability and resistance.  Much like creating habits in ourselves, like eating better or exercising more, we must be patient and continue building up a habit in order to see the results we desire.  When we don’t get those results quickly, our first reaction is to quit, putting us back at square one.

If there is some behavior we wish to see change or improve in our children, remember that patience and praise are the behaviors we must practice.  Everything else will only get us more of what we don’t want and increase the frustration we felt in the first place.

For more on using patience to change behavior, check out these resolutions for better behavior.

Discussion Points: 

• Have you had success in changing your child’s behavior?
• What other ideas would you suggest for improving a child’s behavior?
• Are you successful at changing your own behavior?  What traits helped you get there?

patience, child behavior, fatherhood

Kids can be rude, but let’s face it. It’s a habit they learn from us. It’s true they pick up a few bad habits on their own at school, but rudeness just isn’t one of them.

If by the time our kids are school age they have learned to say please and thank you and wait patiently while you are on the phone, it’s pretty unlikely they are going to start being rude just because someone else’s kid teaches them in class. Young children are basically mirrors of ourselves. They may have slight personality differences, but they inherently do as they’ve seen. The old “monkey see, monkey do” adage comes to mind.

If on the other hand, our children have not learned politeness at home, not only will they do their best to convert their classmates, they will continue to get worse as most habits do when gone unchecked. This leads me to the kindness factor. If children are mirrors of our own behavior, at least when they are very young, kindness is a habit we can instill in our children before the rest of the world ever has their say.

If you’re children are rude, I’d honestly invite you to take a look at yourself. You may not like what you see, but it’s never too late. I’ve learned that having kids is about the closest we can get to actually seeing ourselves honestly if we accept our role in their behavior. In fact, I have a handy little equation I use to help improve myself. It goes like this:

____ parents = ____ kids

Put whatever word you want in the blanks, as long as it’s the same on both sides. If you are one who blames others before yourself, the solution is to flip the equation around. In the end, there’s really only two people to blame and you are one of them.

Discussion Points:

• Were you a rude child?  Did it lead to being a rude adult?
• Do you think habits are learned more at home or at school?
• Do you believe you can change your child’s behavior by changing your own?

child behavior, fatherhood

Praise and appreciation are vital to a child’s positive growth. We instinctively know this as parents, but aren’t always in the right mind frame to do so.

Instead of waiting for your child to do something wrong and then chastising them for it, catch them doing something good and praise them for it. Children can make dozens of “mistakes” in any given day, and if caught each time, receive an unfair amount of “No’s”, “Stop’s” and “Don’ts”, words that don’t exactly encourage positive change.

Next time your child does something you don’t agree with, tell them “I’d prefer if you didn’t do that” or “Can you please keep your voice down indoors?”. Speaking to your children in this way reduces conflict and encourages a change in behavior.

More importantly, next time your child cleans their room on their own or puts the dishes away, make sure you thank them for the effort and that it really helps when they pitch in around the house. By doing so, you make your child feel good about the actions they performed and encourage more of the same.

Even as adults, we need to feel appreciated and recognized for our good deeds. It’s never too early to treat your kids with the same respect you expect yourself as a grown man. Through continued encouragement, you are actually improving your child’s chances of succeeding in life, a goal that I imagine you are trying to accomplish with the “No’s”, “Stop’s” and “Don’ts”.

Discussion Points:

• Do you think it’s more important to catch your children doing good or telling them to stop doing something you don’t like or agree with?
• Do you think encouragement is a valid form of “discipline” by teaching your children to do good instead of not doing bad?

fatherhood, looking for the good

I read an article titled “Rational Parents Equal Rational Kids” today and it really clarified a major difference I see between good and bad parents. Not all rational parents are good and not all irrational parents are bad, but I think the majority of each fit into those categories pretty well.

Written by a psychotherapist, the article supported my main premise of parenting: we should be raising adults instead of children. Children raised by irrational parents more than likely turn out to be irrational parents themselves and perpetuate the cycle.

I think we can all agree there is an overabundance of irrationality in the world. I spent the majority of my 20’s being irrational before continual introspection led me out of the dark. Now that I have broken the cycle inherited from my parents, I have the tools to raise my children the way I want to instead of making the excuse of “that’s how I was raised”.

The article goes on to list 9 ways you can become a more rational parent, outlined below:

1. Listen to your kids and evaluate what they are saying

Though it may seem children talk just to hear the sound of their voices, they are really seeking approval for the things they do. By truly listening to your kids, you not only gain the ability to give them sound advice, you also open the door for being a trusted adviser throughout their lives.

2. Think of all the choices that you have in offering advice or direction.

Many parents I know answer their children’s questions with a simple “yes” or “no” and move on. These parents are missing a valuable opportunity to teach your children to think for themselves. Thinking out your advice before giving it usually leads to the best advice and teaches children to think things out when faced with tough choices.

3. Ask them questions, and challenge in a teaching way, why that may or may not be a good idea.

By asking your child questions, you let them know you are really listening and that you care about the outcome of things they are experiencing. Further, playing devil’s advocate provides them with good advice that allows them to choose their own route and further reinforces thinking things through.

4. Offer stories about rational thinking. Give them an example of a bad choice that you made and how you made a better one and life was better for it.

As long as you aren’t preaching, children love to hear stories about your life. And let’s face it, we’ve all got stories of failure and bad choices. Sharing these stories shows your children that you are human, that you’ve been through the same things they are facing and somehow, you managed to live through and grow from them.

5. Remember all mistakes are opportunities to learn for you and your child.

Instead of yelling or being quick to punish your children after a mistake they’ve made, take the opportunity to clearly show the moral of the story and ask how they could have done things differently. Let them talk about it and gain insight into their thought process and worries.

6. Be the thinking you want to see in your child, provided you have insight into yourself to know your thinking is rational.

Thinking things out with your child will eventually lead them to think more rationally for themselves, allowing them to be a leader and not fall into groupthink. Irrational people, especially children, are looking for something to follow, which usually leads to trouble.

7. Work on yourself and your own personal growth daily.

Finding the time to work on ourselves isn’t always easy, but the rewards are tremendous for both you and your children. Growth doesn’t always have to come from mistakes. The surest and quickest path to growth lies in searching our own minds and hearts.

8. When you fall as a parent pick yourself up. Allow for mistakes. That is the key to rational thinking.

No matter how much we soul search, we are still going to make mistakes at times. It’s part of being human. I personally enjoy making mistakes and to a lesser extent, failing, as it teaches me something new about myself and prepares me for the long line of risks I plan on taking throughout my life. Two things I want for my own children is the ability to get up after being knocked down and to be risk takers. Risk takers, despite the failures, are the ones who succeed in life.

9. Enjoy the parenting journey. It ends all too fast.

This is a great piece of advice that many parents ignore. Enjoy the good and the bad, they are both facts of life. I don’t get too personally wrapped up in my children’s failures because ultimately, they don’t affect me. I try to always just enjoy the journey of parenting as it’s one of, if not the most rewarding experiences in life. Saddling yourself with your children’s problems can only take joy out of the experience and teach your children that someone other than themselves will be there to solve them. Relax. Let it go. And enjoy watching them grow up knowing you’ve done your best to help them be good adults.

Discussion Points:

• Do you think rational parents make better parents?
• Do you think irrational parents raise irrational adults?
• Do you think we should raise kids or raise adults?
• Do you agree or disagree with the list?

fatherhood, rational parenting, behavior

Disciplining children is possibly the hardest part of being a parent. Not only do we feel some level of disappointment in their actions, we also must choose how to punish them in an effort to change that behavior.

One way of reducing bad behavior in our children, and therefore our stress over those behaviors, is to use positive discipline tactics. By disciplining our children positively, we feel better about ourselves and raise our children’s esteem, empowering them to make better decisions on their own.

The following five steps teach positive discipline and encourage your child’s healthy emotional development.

• Equality

When we use authoritarian behaviors to control our children through pain and embarrassment, what we are often left with is a small mirror of ourselves. Children who are blamed, shamed, beaten or threatened will typically use this type of behavior on those they can get away with it on, such as younger siblings. Teaching our children that they must obey or face one of these responses drastically increases the likelihood of temper tantrums and lack of confidence.

Instead, try treating your child like an adult. Though they lack the intelligence and experience of an adult, ultimately they are owed equal rights and should be treated as such. No one wants to feel less than someone else, most of all children. By committing to raising your children as equals, you allow them greater confidence, esteem and decision-making ability, which in turn will lead to more acceptable behavior.

While children naturally rebel against authority early on (”Terrible 2’s”), many parents respond with more control, establishing a cycle of power struggles. By responding to bad behavior in a calm and fair manner, our children learn discipline and self-control rather than aggression and detachment. As a society based on equality, we also set the foundation for productive citizens later in life.

• Respectful Words

Almost as many people like the word “NO” as like feeling less than someone else. In a sense, the two go hand in hand. Even as adults, many of us will not ask for the things we feel we deserve (a raise or a date, for example) in fear of being told no, which leads us to feeling unworthy. Children take rejection even harder, building resistance and feelings of wrongdoing.

As a parent, we are faced with situations of wanting to tell our kids no many times a day, but when we deny or refuse our children, it is taken personally and damages them by reinforcing controlling and negative thoughts. Instead, take some of the guilt away by replacing the word no with not or rephrasing your comment to focus on the behavior and not the child.

It is important to decide what behavior you want stopped and give your child enough information to change. Some good examples are “It’s not okay to go outside without me”, “It’s not okay to hit or yell at others” and “It’s not okay to jump on the furniture”. Finishing your statements with please is another respectful way to let children know it is their behavior you aren’t happy about and not them, such as “Can you finish cleaning your room so we can play a game please?”.

• Choices

One sure way of meeting resistance is to respond to misbehavior with force. Having some say about how they do things lowers a child’s resistance and fosters individuality and self-reliance. No matter what age, making choices sharpens our judgment and builds moral preferences. By offering choices, we also meet our child’s needs for order and participation.

Choices also hone good communication skills and reinforce the democratic rights we enjoy in this country. Force may illicit an acceptable response to our commands, but only serves to belittle our children and decrease feelings of acceptance. Discipline is an integral part of any success and as a means to an end, should increase self-confidence and build self-esteem.

An important thing to remember about decisions is that they should be limited, closed-ended and ask “this or that” instead of “yes or no”. Some good examples are “Woud you like to hold Mommy’s hand or Daddy’s hand when we cross the street?”, “Would you like to watch a movie or play a game after your homework is done?” and “Would you like to help with the dishes or take out the trash?”.

• Consistency

Consistency, regardless of how you discipline your children, is one of the most reinforcing aspects. Inconsistencies in the punishment of children can result in confusion, resentment and the belief you are hypocritical in your actions. When children understand their behavior will lead to consistent responses from their parents, it builds their sense of right and wrong. How can we expect our children to truly learn their lessons when results are varied?

It’s also important to remember to discipline each of your children consistently, further increasing their perception of equality and fitting in their family roles. Children will also learn to be consistent in their own behavior and dealing fairly with others, helping them become better friends and workers. In order to be consistent doling out discipline, each parent must also accept the others’ views and come to an agreeable compromise and follow through on promises of discipline to maintain parental authority.

Consistency also has the side benefit of teaching your children to accept their responsibilities by removing any idea they didn’t know what would happen in any given circumstance. Predictable results also fosters a sense of security. Children should not have to guess how parents will react. If rules are consistent, results of disobeying them will be, too. Lastly, it’s important to remember that consistency pertains to your own behaviors, as well, as children learn your values and beliefs more by example than by verbal instruction.

• Let Them Deal With Consequences

Teaching our children to deal with the consequences of their behavior is an effective and positive method of discipline. All too often, we either rescue our children from their mistakes or back down from promised punishments due to guilt or manipulation. By doing so, we miss opportunities to teach important lessons about life and that we are only responsible for our own actions.

Letting our children off the hook is a disservice, and one they will not likely find later in life when it matters most. Letting our children fail is a powerful lesson that teaches them how to overcome obstacles and not make the same mistakes again. As humans, we are nothing more than the sum of our failures. That goes for learning to walk to raising our own families.

Allowing our children to suffer the consequences also gives us an opportunity to praise them for being responsible and understand there is something to learn from all actions, good or bad, and to ultimately let them choose which is right for them. For example, if your child’s homework is not done before bedtime, allowing them to suffer the bad grade instead of giving them more time or helping them finish will teach them that they are responsible for their actions, you trust them enough to make a choice and help them decide how to act in a similar future situation.

By subscribing to these methods of positive discipline, we not only feel better about ourselves, we empower our children to be better, more productive citizens. They learn behavior such as helping, sharing and giving from us, but they also learn detachment, guilt, low-esteem and other negative behavior by the way we discipline them.

Instead of looking for reasons to punish our children, we need to spend more time catching them doing the right thing, praising them, rewarding them for improved behaviors and disciplining them with the respect and love they deserve. Ultimately, our children only want to feel as though they belong. Reinforcing the idea that they belong even when they make mistakes will not only make them better behaved children, it will also make them better human beings for the duration of their lives.

Discussion Points:

• Do you agree or disagree with these steps?
• Do you think positive discipline is too easy or perhaps reinforces bad behavior?
• Do you think we learn discipline from our parents?
• Do you discipline your children the same way you were disciplined?
• Do you have any suggestions you’d like to add to the list?

parenting, positive discipline, positive punishment, child behavior