Fatherhood

The other night while my wife, Caris and I were eating dinner Caris said something totally out of the blue that made me spit up the water I was drinking. She told us when she gets older her boobies are going to grow big like an egg, open up and then she will have boobies like mommy. After the initial shock wore off I asked her if she heard that at school or did she just make that up. She claims she made it up but I find that hard to believe. Despite the fact that Caris is smart and inquisitive, her analogy seemed out of place for a three year old to make up. Perhaps an older girl at her daycare told her that. Either way, my wife and I laughed out loud for a few minutes.
The next day I got called into work and did not get home until late in the morning so I missed seeing her all day. My wife told me that Caris missed me. I was appreciative that I was missed by her. When she awoke for school or daycare, same thing, she told me that she “missed me so much last night” and she also told me, “I cried when you weren’t home last night daddy.” It tore at my heart but sometimes I am gone for long periods of time with my job.
Additionally, Caris hates to lose. She has to win at every game we play. I will accept that she wins, but eventually she will have to learn that losing is part of the process of life too. No one likes to lose and a lot of emphasis is placed on winning. I understand that concept, but a tell tale sign of maturity is if you lose at something, a grateful exit shows maturity.
One particular game we played she kept on wanting to win. Finally I asked her why she had to be first in a race or beat me in play fighting and any other games we play and she told me it was because she has to win.
Talk about control issues. Then I asked her if it was tough being a kid and she said yes because she wanted to be the boss. And then she told me she was going to be the boss later. I put my foot down on that one.
Hopefully she will learn the merits of playing to win but losing with style and grace because sooner or later even Tiger Woods loses

Caris turned three on February the ninth and we had three parties for her. One party was held for my wife’s dad side and we went to Bloomington Indiana to celebrate it. The second party was held in Carmel Indiana with my wife’s mom’s side. The last and not least party was held at my house for my side of the family.
I wanted to have one large party instead of breaking it into smaller ones but our house can not accommodate all those people. Last year we had rented a hall and hosted a party for everyone but that was expensive. Believe it or not having three parties for Caris was cheaper, but I still would of preferred all of us together. Birthdays denote family and family unity. By breaking it into increments, you do not experience the full embodiment of the occasion. That is my opinion and there are a lot of variables to consider. One primary thing to consider is if all three sides of the family get along well enough to partake in the festivities. And I can gladly state unequivocally that they do. While there are few commonalties that exist between the three groups, each one is mature enough to recognize that and work with it.
While friends went with to the party with my side of the family, each of our friends are well acquainted with all factions and would of been a great asset if a combined party was held in one locale.
However, that being said, the true winner in this is my daughter. She was asked what she wanted for her birthday and she told everyone she wanted books. My heart swelled with pride. I am an avid reader, as is my wife and any encouragement we can provide for her, we do in that venue. We read to her every night and she looks forward to it. Last night I read to her six books and she wanted more. I had to stop at six since it was well past her bedtime and there was school this morning.
Additionally, we asked people to contribute to her college fund he had set up for her a while back. So she got books, money for college, toys and clothes, and a great deal of attention and love. You can’t beat that.

I received some interesting responses to some of my articles. One of the most responses came from an article I had written about taking my daughter into the men’s restroom.
Most people told me that my fears were unfounded. While I may seem overzealous concerning bringing my daughter into the men’s restroom, I still can’t help feeling the way I feel. It may be wrong, but most of my friends and family agreed with my blog. They said I should be wary. I should feel concerned.
So a balance must be struck. How do you deal with conflicting opinions on a topic that does not come up much? I will go by my opinion, weather it is right or wrong. Despite the feedback I may endure, I feel my daughter’s safety is my primary concern. I may be overreacting, but that is the way it is going to be.
Another response I got was from “The difference between I like you and I love you”. All of the responses, by readers and by family and friends, received positive responses.
All of the articles are written by my observations and my daughter continues to be my source of inspiration.

The race for children social network dominance has a new challenger in the form of an old face: Barbie Girls. I try to stay up to date on this space and I have actually seen my oldest daughter spend a session or two on this site, but it’s now being reported that in its first 60 days of existence, Barbie Girls has signed up over three million members!

While it’s not entirely surprising to see Barbie jump out to such large numbers, the fact is that it is growing quicker than any of its predecessors and supports the theory that social networks are here to stay.  At least for now.

As parents, we need to accept this and come up with our own guidelines as to how we handle our children’s online usage.  Without these networks, it was easy to tell our kids there was nothing online for them.  Now, with many of their friends spending their time online, it’s increasingly difficult to make that point sincerely.  My daughter often spends time playing games on Club Penguin with a group of friends from class.

These networks will continue to grow and command more and more of our children’s time and attention.  Realistically, they can be looked at as training wheels for a lifetime of social networking.  Our parents played with Barbie dolls and my generation played video games, but our children are now in the midst of a virtual playground, one that will likely seep later into their lives than our we or our parents experienced.

Some more mega-popular social networks for kids include Habbo Hotel, Zwinky and Gaia Online.  With so many options and so many of their friends already online, it’s only a matter of time before your child expresses interest in joining one of these networks.

• Discussion Points:
  • Will you let your child join a social network for kids or have you already?
  • What are the good and bad side effects, if any, that you have noticed?
  • Do you think social networks are here to stay or just a passing fad?

Social networks seem to have invaded just about every demographic.  One of the fastest growing segments of the social networking phenomenon is social networks aimed at children.

While the perils for children on larger social networks like Myspace are well documented, what isn’t entirely understood yet are the affects of kiddie-networks on our children.  Like all things in life, there are pros and cons.  Let’s take a look at some of the advantages and disadvantages of children using sites like Club Penguin, Webkinz, Nicktropolis and Millsberry.

Advantages

Safety Filters - Children are restricted in the language they can use on these sites.  Users are not allowed to type addresses, phone numbers or oftentimes, personal questions.   It would be extremely difficult, if not impossible, for predators to find out anything of importance from your child on one of these networks.

Computer Skills - While the sites are created for children, they still require the use of a computer.  Learning how to use a computer is an increasingly important skill in today’s world.  The earlier your child learns computer skills, the more fluid they will become in using them.

Promote Reading - Throughout these networks, children venture from room to room reading directions and taking part in surveys, quizzes and games.  By doing so, young children have a place to build their reading skills they really enjoy.

Typing - Most of the games are played with the keyboard and often require children to type their answers.  Interacting with others requires typing, as well, thereby improving your child’s understanding of the keyboard and ability to type.

Communicating - Despite the filters, children are encouraged to interact with each other in a variety of ways.  Those that don’t play nice are often banned or outcast.  Learning to move up in the social networking world requires good communication skills and fairness, good traits for anyone regardless of age.

Caring For Pets - Most of the kiddie-networks revolve around animals or allow yo to have a pet which you must take care of as if they were real.  This includes feeding, bathing and cleaning up after them.

Budgeting  - Many of the games on these networks offer rewards that can be collected and points that can be earned to save up for special items, teaching children how to budget and use virtual money.

Networking -  One of the most important skills for anyone to have in life is networking. It’s often said “it’s not what you know, but who you know”, and children learn that very quickly in kiddie-networks.

Disadvantages

Reduced Social Skills - Spending social time on virtual networks instead of playing with friends in real life can leave adults, as well as children, feeling less social in the real world.  Monitoring the amount of time your child spends on one of these sites is highly suggested.

Open Doors - Interacting with other children who may have less adult supervision can lead to your child finding out about other places on the net to visit.  Browsing around the internet opens door after door, many of which are unsuitable for children.

Internet Addiction - We are all susceptible to this.  Spending time on the internet often leads to spending lots more time on the internet.  Again, monitoring the amount of time your child spend online is very important.

Costs - Many of these new networks require users to pay monthly fees to gain higher access levels.  Like real life, children want to go and be where their friends are.  If their friends have higher access, your child is going to want to follow, which can turn into quite an investment of not only time, but money, as well.

The pros and cons of your child social networking online are endless, but with the above guidelines, you should have a firm grasp on what exactly is going on and how much time your child should be spending on these sites.  Every parent will have different thoughts and approaches as to how to handle this issue and should keep in mind that ultimately they are responsible for what their children see and do online.  I personally allow my two oldest daughters to spend no more than four hours a week online for fun as I’d much rather see them playing together or outside, and don’t think my youngest daughter should be online at all.

In any case, be proactive and participate in your child’s online life much like you would their real life.  As the internet continues to occupy more and more of our time, promoting responsible online usage will become an even more important role for all parents.

For more insight on social networks for children, check out the article “Sites let preteens network online”.

social networks, online usage, kids on the internet

Some great links for sites with fathers day ideas…

• Cards, crafts, printables and recipes at DTLK Holidays.
• Some really great cards with visual examples at Danielles Space.
• Some cool fathers day origami at Activity Village.
• Soap on a Rope recipe at Suite 101.

Have fun doing these little projects, and remember that its the thought that counts.

fathers day crafts, soap on a rope, origami, fatherhood

Another PSA from the National Fatherhood Initiative…

dad, light saber duel, fatherhood

As the National Fatherhood Initiative states here:

‘It takes a Man to be a Dad!’

fatherhood, national fatherhood initiative, tarzan

With the increase in Social Networking sites like Myspace, teens spend much more time on the net than they used to. And with TV, music, other siblings, there are a lot of reasons teens don’t leave their rooms.

You have to strike a balance between giving enough independence, and ensuring that your kids spend an appropriate time with the rest of the family.

In our house, the computer is in the dining room, and everyone has to use it there. It means that we can monitor the kids using it, and us as well. I think that most technology today is designed for the individual, and can sometimes isolate people behind a wall of white headphones, bluetooth headsets, and doors.

It also goes without saying that you need to make your teen aware that they should be using an alias while online, so if they meet someone they don’t like online, they can cut the link.

myspace, fatherhood, teens, bedroom

When it becomes time to help your kids choose a college, how much choice do you want them to have?

It is really easy to push your kids to go to your old school. They might have visited there already. You might still have friends who live nearby. You know how safe the campus is. Or used to know…

The main considerations these days are;

Does college X do the course I want?
Is college Y near home, or will I have to live on campus? Can I live on campus?
What are the fees, can I get help through scholarships, bursaries, family ?
Will I need to work as well to make ends meet?
How long will it take me to pay off that student loan?
What’s the pastoral care and community like. Is it secure?

Nowadays, you can pretty much go to college in any country and have your qualification recognized worldwide.

Denise Witmer has written a great article about picking a college with your teen…

Begin at the beginning. You can start by asking easily digestible questions: What are your teen’s interests? How do these interests play out as careers? What major would that lead your teen into choosing? What colleges offer that major? What are the pro and cons to each of those colleges? When you and your teen take the time to go through these questions, and answer them thoroughly, you’ll both be confident in the college that is chosen.

college choice, kids, teens, fatherhood

I don’t put myself in any boxes really, but I reckon I’m halfway between a not at home dad, and a stay at home dad. I work variable shifts and it quite often falls to me to get my daughter up, dressed, fed and off to school. Sometimes it can be a real pain, especially if I’ve been on a late (until 1 am) the night before.

Wayne Parker, over at about.com, has listed the reasons most dads stay at home. The main four he cites are;

Traditional Role Reversal

Work at Home Dads

Custodial Dads

Independant Income Dads

There are many more reason thats Dads stay home, including my own. Importance should always be placed on not just being home, but making it a home.

If you work from home, there should be clear boundaries for space, and time. A study or den, a change of clothes, a separate part of the home, can all denote ‘work’ time, when Dad needs some space. Take your kids to work day takes on a whole new meaning. Additionally, there are loads of kids who help with their parents businesses, whether helping in the store or restaurant, out working the farm, or helping to pack items for sale.

You must always explain to your kids why you’re home as well, especially if its not the norm for your area.

You can find more about the reasons dads stay home here.

stay at home, dad, fatherhood, kids, family business

I think it important to remember that mothers aren’t the only ones who have to deal with a new child. Dads often keep their feelings covered up. It’s hard to lose control of your house and life without suffering some emotional issues.

Sometimes men feel that the new baby is taking too much of their partners time. Or they may feel that once the baby is off to sleep that their partner shows little interest in them. What is worse is when you partner blames you for the struggles shes having with the baby.

What really takes the cake, is when your partner is suffering from Post-Natal Depression, and you bottle up your feelings so no to upset her. Who cares about whether you are coping?

Many factors can contribute to these feelings. The most common are: fear of fatherhood or worries related to new responsibilities and loss of freedom, financial concerns or stress over added expenses and worries about whether his current salary will be sufficient, and role anxieties such as asking, “Will I be a good father? Will I father like my father did?”

Over at Babycenter, they’ve got some great advice on this topic. The web has always been a great place to discover there are lots of people dealing with the same struggles as you, and that you’re not alone….

fatherhood, new dad, post natal depression, emotion

There’s a great article in how to explain the concept of money to your kids on the FQ magazine website, over here in the UK.

It explains how children’s average pocket money (allowance) rose by 35 percent in one year, between 2004 and 2005. Would you say no to a 35 percent rise at work. Would your boss laugh you right out of the office???

What do your kids do to get their allowance. Do they have to do chores? Get good grades?

Do you use their allowance as a discipline tool? What if they don’t do their chores?

I think that you should make their allowance just enough so they can save for what they want. If its too much, and you also sub them too often, they might be unable to cut back when they have to control their own finances when they move out on their own. They should also learn to make the most of what they’ve got. If they have some old toys or playstation games, either donate them to charity of sell them on something like ebay, and give them to proceeds to put towards something they want.

As well as teaching the value of the items they have, it also helps to control the clutter in the home.

Read more of the article here.

allowance, fatherhood, pocket money, chores, discipline

I often sit aimlessly staring at the page (or screen), trying to break through the ‘writers’ block.

As an adult, I have reams of experiences and stories to tell, but I quite often find that my adult mind often puts the brakes on very early in any writing I attempt. It’s a form of self-censorship I suppose, and can be really frustrating.

As a teenager I didn’t have this block, and my mind was free to go off on endless tangents. No point, No meaning, sometimes I would write about anything for hours. I never struggled to get the words out, but rather down, as my handwriting couldn’t keep up and got progressively more messy as I got older. I just wish the had been the home PCs we have today in the Eighties, so others could have enjoyed my writing.

How do you write? Do your kids have the same problem with getting the words down? Or concentrating? I’ve found that what you need sometimes is an open mind and some focus.

Over at FictionScribe, JM posts a lot of articles about writing. Personally, I like the exercises best. One of the current series asks writers to do 200 words, and submit them to the site, if you dare, where the readers will comment and add some feedback.

creative writing, fatherhood, homework, school days