Mulligan
Joe at DadBloggers has written about fathers and the wounds we give our sons. He paraphrases author John Eldredge, who theorizes that boys are somehow, sometime, ‘wounded’ by their fathers (or father figures), the result of which is a persistent lingering doubt about their competence.
As if I didn’t have enough to worry about.
Joe uses the example of his son asking for help, and Joe encouraging him to do things for himself. I’m in a similar bind. This year, Ian has started ceaselessly asking for help. While I don’t mind lending a hand with something new—learning to ride a bike, getting dressed, long-division—I simply refuse to help with everyday tasks like climbing down from bed, or eating. I want him to learn independence, and to discover his skills. And to ask nicely.
But does Ian realize that? All he knows is that he’s asking for help, and I’m saying ‘no’.
There’s (generally) a lot of thought that goes into parenting. Consistency is crucial, and it’s hard to be consistent when you’re flying by the seat of your pants. But all three-year-olds can do is fly. They don’t have planned responses, and they don’t ask their friends for advice on being successful children.
That difference worries me. There’s a significant gap between my son and the reasons behind my actions; sometimes it seems the difference between a well-adjusted young man and Howard Hughes.
That gap narrows, but can never be closed. It can be bridged, but how do I keep my son from falling in the meantime?
October 23rd, 2006 at 3:13 pm
There is so much to worry about…we just have to do the best we can and know that we are honestly committing all we can to their development…and I think things we’ll be OK.
October 24th, 2006 at 10:26 am
Hi Jared. You blog is interesting — obviously you’re a writer! I’m from St. Louis, and worked there for four years for a couple of publications. Who do you write for?
December 5th, 2006 at 2:05 pm
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